I don't belong here

I don't belong here

We were raised Catholic, my brother and I. Not very strict, but I was baptised with 6 months, did my communion when I was 7 and choose to do a confirmation when I was 12. I did not really like the church though. I never understood the strict rules and all the official mayhem around them. Also, if God was really this caring guy looking after you, then why in the world were we to sit on those painfully hard wooden church benches? I could sense something was off. All I could see were parents and children being seemingly certain about the word of God, and me feeling not so certain about it.

Trapped
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​​I remember one particular day where my mother sat to the left of me, my father to the right and a row of dark grey coats was blocking my view. I could not go anywhere. I could not see anything. All I could do was obey like everyone else around me and sit and listen. I knew what was going to happen, and I dreaded it already. The pastor's voice echoed on the walls and the ceiling:

"...And the Lord God said unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself..."

There it was. Like clockwork it started rising within my body as soon as the pastor read the first sentence from the bible. Frustration. Anger. Rage. You seriously think God speaks to us that way? I forced myself to calm down.

"...And he said, Who told thee that thou was naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat..."

Well yes of course! Blame the woman! You prick! A mixture of unexplained anger and frustration started to consume me from within. As always, I had no idea where these feelings came from, nor how to get rid of them. I wanted to scream but knew that was inappropriate. I wanted to run away but that was impossible. Instead, my toes curled, my jaw tightened and my hands turned to stony fists.

"....And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done?..." Now I was not just feeling frustrated and angry, I started to feel outrageous. What do you mean what SHE has done?! HE was the one who desperately wanted God to create her! HE was the one who ate the darn fruit! He could have just said no thank you, but instead he points the finger at her. At Eve. At “his” woman. WTF!? What kind of man does that?

I tried to block out the sound of the pastor's voice, but it did not help much. My body was one block of suppressed anger and rage, and it now started to physically hurt. I was kicking and screaming inside as my stomach turned and I was starting to feel sick. The tension was almost too much to cope with. Was I the only one feeling this? How could they all sit here and not feel this?

The idea alone that mass had just started, and I had to stay put for another 1.5 hours was enough to make me want to die. Never before had I felt such a desire to be somewhere else. Never before had I felt such a longing to just run away and never come back again. Why was this happening to me?! Why? Why? Why?

I Don't Belong Here

Since I seemed to be the odd one out, I started to believe I was doing something wrong. I just did not know what. I did not understand why I doubted the word of God, why I could not believe what the pastor was telling us. Did I commit a sin? Did I not try hard enough? Was not trying hard enough a sin? Was being born a woman a sin?

I remember feeling very confused and alone, wondering what I could do to prove to God that I was trying really hard. I was not a sinner, was I? Would He know that I really wanted to be a part of his community? I did not know. But I figured I would take my chances. So when they asked me if I wanted to be confirmed, I said yes.

Getting myself confirmed did not change much for me though. As much as I wanted it to, my confusion did not stop by partaking in a ceremony. The words of the pastor still did not ring true to me, and I still felt out of place. Confused, lost and alone in my own inner world, I concluded that God did not want me. I clearly did not belong in His world, and they were all better off if I were to just leave. 

Welcome Home

I did leave. I left the Catholic church and its authority behind. I left all the strict rules and official mayhem behind. I left the suppression of the divine feminine and the lying and cheating of the wounded masculine behind. I left the outdated ideas on sexuality and marriage and what love should look like behind. I left the hard wooden church benches behind. And the moment I did ... I found God.

In contrary to what the Catholic church has made so many of us believe, God is not something outside of ourselves - it is something within. God, Goddess, Source, The Universe ... however you wish to call it, is an essence that resides in each and every one of us. This essence is your true nature. It is that what you truly are. And this truth is what wants to emerge from the depths of your soul and shine it's light onto others. 

You are a divine being. Your presence matters and your existence serves a purpose. You belong in this world. And there are people out there who get you, love you, understand you and welcome you.

I, for a start, are one of them.
Welcome Home.
❤️

With Love + Joy, 
Nicole

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