It's always been my dream to write and be a writer. Writing is my (he)art. I write in diaries. I write on my laptop. I have written tons and tons of blogs, stories, programme modules and course content for my private clients. Yet, every time I wanted to make all this yummyness available to a wider audience, I would freeze.
Initially I thought I was just procrestinating things, so I got really mad at myself and used strategy, accountability and force to get it done. That did not work.
Then I thought it was a matter of perfectionism, so I got really gentle with myself and took my time to create something truly beautiful and aligned that I would feel proud of. That did not work either.
Eventually, it occured to me that this was not just a mindset thing. Writing, (even just a blog like this) and hitting "publish" was triggering a proper full body freeze responds. And I owed it to myself and the people whose life I could change with my writing, the release this.
The Father Wound
During my early teens, my father started to retreat from our family. He was still there, living and breathing, but his heart was in another place. No one knew where he went to. We just knew he was not with us.
We can only truly connect with someone when their heart is present with us. When this is not the case, the sense of connectivity between you is lost. At the time the growing abscence of connectivity with my father, felt like death to me. And no matter how hard I tried to get through to him, nothing seemed to bring our connection back to life. Nothing I said or did to restore a sense of connection, seemed to work. It spiralled me into a deep and dark place.
Fast forward 25 years. The relationship with my father is better than it has ever been before. In hindsight I can see how the loss of connectivity with him, allowed me to cultivate a deep connectivity with myself - a priceless gift denied to many.
The flipside however, was an ingrained belief that I was worthless and my perspective did not matter. That my existance was going unnoticed and my words were simply bread crumbs thrown out for the birds to feed on. So why then even share my perspective? Why then even write my blogs and hit that publish button? Why would I put my heart on the line, available for trampling by the eerie silence of no readers?
Fear Of Love
Five years ago, I moved to one of the most beautiful places I had ever been in my life, fell in love with one of the most beautiful men I had ever met and published an ebook all within one month. The ebook was downloaded 100x within one day. My response? I took it off my website, changed my business name and flew off into another direction. My nervous system did not know how to handle so much attention and success. After all, it was used to being ignored. Being ignored equaled love and safety. Achieving success equaled the opposite.
I have heard many coaches, healers and trainers address the paralysing effect the fear of criticism can have on us. But my greatest fear has never been to be critised. I have learned that most criticism allows me to discern my truth and become a better person because of it.
My greatest fear has always been to be ignored. To be abandoned. To not be seen and for no one to care for me and be left for death. And that is exactly the life I created for myself by running away from love.
Letting Love In
Here is something that I want you to consider...
If you, like me, learned that being ignored equals love, then receiving genuine kind and loving attention can feel very uncomfortable and very scary at first.
Are you pushing people away who want to help you?
Are you declining opportunities because you are too busy?
Are you ignoring the troubled relationship with your partner?
In the years between that first ebook and now, I have learned a lot about success and what it actually means to give and receive it. I also learned a lot about connectivity and what it takes to feel a connection with yourself, another and something one might call a soul calling.
The vast majority of the people alive today can only receive love though feeling connected with another. This is not a bad thing. But it does mean you feel lost if that connectivity ever falls away.
What I want for you more than anything is to cultivate your ability to feel connected and loved, even if there is no one or nothing to connect with. Even when it feels as if everyone is ignoring you and leaves you for death. By restoring this connectivity with yourself, you can begin restoring the connectivity with others. And the more people are able to do this, the quicker humanity as a whole we be able to open up to receiving more love and joy.
This and more is what we do in my Oracular Mentorship for the wildly successful professional woman. To learn more about working with me, write to email@example.com to schedule a complimentary consultation.
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Sending you love + joy!
Hi, I am Nicole!
And I believe life is beautiful.
If you were to look at the world today, it would be easy to tell yourself otherwise. Some people will even try to convince you the world is a horrible place to be.
I have learned though, that no matter how hard life gets, there is always something beautiful to lay our eyes upon.
That beauty is love.
And that love is what has the power to transform the world.